wastedonion verified beta

wastedonion — 3/21/2025, 7:27:35 PM

Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child

https://theonion.com/grimes-slaps-i-bought-this-before-elon-went-crazy-sticker-on-child/

wastedonion — 3/20/2025, 11:02:29 PM

By The Wasted Onion: Owner Of @Leaks Wasteof Account Interrogated By FBI After Leaking Of Nuclear Launch Codes

WASHINGTON—Following an international manhunt spanning three continents, sources confirmed Thursday that the owner of the @leaks wasteof account was interrogated by the FBI after leaking US nuclear launch codes. “I can confirm we have an individual in custody and are questioning them about their trusted source,” said FBI spokesperson James Wheller, who also attempted to quell concerns over the leak of launch codes that control the nations arsenal of 5,428 warheads. “We want to reassure the public that there is nothing to worry about. We are going to reset the codes once we remember our security question answer. We also promise not to reuse ‘pa$sWurd123’ this time.” In a written statement released Thursday evening, the owner of the @leaks wasteof account claimed that nuclear war “wouldn’t affect the Nintendo Wii’s expected release in November 2006,” according to their trusted source.

wastedonion — 3/20/2025, 7:26:49 PM

Am I Ugly?

https://theonion.com/am-i-ugly/

wastedonion — 3/19/2025, 9:00:36 PM

New Federal Law Mandates Women Talk With Baby Voice

https://theonion.com/new-federal-law-mandates-women-talk-with-baby-voice/

wastedonion — 3/18/2025, 8:07:11 PM

Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day

https://theonion.com/report-you-could-just-lose-an-arm-one-day/

wastedonion — 3/17/2025, 8:21:05 PM

Senile Grandma Tries To Set Up Grandkids With Each Other

https://theonion.com/senile-grandma-tries-to-set-up-grandkids-with-each-other/

wastedonion — 3/16/2025, 10:09:53 PM

Via The Shovel: New Tesla Comes With In-Built Baby Capsule for Child You Will Inevitably Have With Elon Musk

https://theshovel.com.au/2025/02/19/new-tesla-comes-with-in-built-baby-capsule/

wastedonion — 3/15/2025, 11:13:13 PM

ICYMI: Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships

https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-spends-evening-editing-spreadsheet-ranking-all-her-friendships/

wastedonion — 3/14/2025, 8:19:37 PM

Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood

https://theonion.com/pale-trump-boys-ask-when-they-can-stop-giving-uncle-elon-blood/

wastedonion — 3/13/2025, 8:28:34 PM

Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9

https://theonion.com/egg-companies-assure-customers-dozen-has-always-meant-9/

wastedonion — 3/12/2025, 8:36:51 PM

Prospective Car Buyer Takes SUV Out For Test Hit And Run

https://theonion.com/prospective-car-buyer-takes-suv-out-for-test-hit-and-run/

wastedonion — 3/11/2025, 8:00:31 PM

Local Teen Invents Masturbation

https://theonion.com/local-teen-invents-masturbation/

wastedonion — 3/10/2025, 9:24:23 PM

Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression

https://theonion.com/trump-says-recession-unfortunate-but-necessary-step-to-get-to-depression/

wastedonion — 3/10/2025, 8:57:10 PM

Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Dell OptiPlex Hosting Wasteof Goes On Strike

wastedonion — 3/9/2025, 10:05:07 PM

Via Hard Drive: Duolingo Owl Sent to Internment Camp For Teaching Americans Non-English Languages

https://hard-drive.net/hd/politics/duolingo-owl-sent-to-internment-camp-for-teaching-americans-non-english-languages/