way back when i was just a little bitty boy livin in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from jerry’s bait shop
way back when i was just a little bitty boy livin in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from jerry’s bait shop
you know the place…
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuuuuust PEACHY
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big old bowl of SAUERKRAUT for breakfast
aww, BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT every single morning it was driving me crazy
i said to my mom i said “hey mom whats up with all the sauerkraut“
and my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
and she leaned right next to me
and she said
“IT’S GOOD FOR YOU!!!“
and then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
thats when i swore that some day, some day i would get out of that basement and travel to a magical far away place
where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
and the towels are oh so fluffy!
where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!!11
wacka wacka doo-doo yeah
well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoy's butt.
…i was off by three, but i still won the grand prize. that's right, a first class one-way ticket to
AAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!!!1
AAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!!!1
aw yeah
you know ive never been on a real airplane before and i gotta tell ya it was really great
except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
and the little kid in the back of me kept throwing up the whole time
the flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
and the in flight movie was BIO-DOME with PAULY SHORE
and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside AND THE PLANE EXPLODED IN A GIANT FIREBALL AND EVERYBODY DIED
ᵉˣᶜᵉᵖᵗ ᶠᵒʳ ᵐᵉ
you know why?
cause i had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
maniacal laughter
so i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
i crawled on my hands and knees for 3 full days
dragging along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12 pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark snorkel
but finally i arrived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn where the towels are oh so fluffy and you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
it's OK, they're clean
so i checked into my room and i turned down the ac and i turned on the spectrovision
and im just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that i love so very very much when suddenly there’s a knock on the door
door knocking sounds that is actually just drumming
well now, who could that be?
i say "who is it?"
no answer.
"𝔀𝓱𝓸 𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓽?"
there's no answer
"W̷̡̪͔̳̼̼͎͑̑͐̈́̒̾̂͋̕͠H̵̦͈̤̥̦͕̗͕̽̒̇͌̋̒͛̍̆̚͜͠͝͝O̸͙̪̍͛̐̌̈́͑̅͋̿̏ ̴̛̳̣̠̳̫̭͖͔̟̲̞͖͂͒́̾̀̆͋̑̏̂̓̒͜͠͠͝I̴̡̪͍͈͍̥̳͍͓͈̬͙̣̰͒̈͛̌̋̊̂̉͘ͅŜ̸̢̫̯͑͗̔̿͊̒̊͝ ̶̧̯̩̰̋Ì̴͓͔͖̘̹̟̘̤͖͚̼̠̌̏̉͐̎̕Ţ̵̨̪̜͓̱̝̪̯̣̗͍̻̥͇͐ͅ?̸̠͍̖̤̭͕̠̮̣̹̤͑̏̿̓̂̔̉͊̂̈́̈̿̍̎̈́͘͜͝!̴̨̗̖̖̹̰̖͙̥̬̭̀́̽͋͐̏̃̂̃̕͠?̴̢̡͉̙̞̝͈̗̹͍͎̘͕́̄̎̈̍́́̚͜͝͝"
they're not sayin' anything
so finally i go over and i open the door and just as i suspected
it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostril. oh man, i hate it when i’m right…
so anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel and im like
“hey you cant have that
that snorkel’s been just like a snorkel to me“
and he’s like “tough“
and i’m like “give it“
and he’s like “make me“
and i’m like “‘kay“
so i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
yes indeed, you better believe it
inhale
and somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
and 20 seconds later i heard a familiar voice
and you know what it said?
i'll tell you what it said
it said
IF YOUD LIKE TO MAKE A CALL
PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN
IF YOU NEED HELP HANG UP AND THEN DIAL YOUR OOOOOPERATOR
IF YOUD LIKE TO MAKE A CALL
PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN
IF YOU NEED HELP HANG UP AND THEN DIAL YOUR OOOOOPERATOR
in AAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!!!!!1!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBUQUERQUE!!1!
well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel
but i made a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest
i would not sleep for an instant
until the one nostrilled man was brought to justice
but first i decided to buy some donuts
so i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop and i walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "yeah, what do ya want?"
i said "you got any glazed donuts?"
he said NAH were out of glazed donuts
i said you got any jelly donuts
he said NAH were out of jelly donuts
i said "you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
he said "NAH, we're outta bavarian cream-filled donuts"
i said you got any cinnamon rolls
he said NAH were out of cinnamon rolls
i said you got any apple fritters
he said NAH we’re out of apple fritters
i said YOU GOT ANY BEAR CLAWS??!?!?
he said… wait a minute, i’ll go check
epic guitar solo
NO WERE OUT OF BEAR CLAWS
i said "well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"
he says "all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
i said "ok, i'll take that"
so he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they start biting me all over
oh man, they were just going nuts, they were tearin' me apart…
you know i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head
i believe it went a little something like this
i ran out on the street with these flesh eating weasels on my face
like a constipated wiener dog
…and as luck would have it, that's exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams
her name was zelda
she was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
i'll never forget the very first thing she said to me
she said "hey, you've got weasels on your face"
thats when i knew it was true love
we were inseparable after that
aw, we ate together, we bathed together
we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
the world was our burrito
so we got married and we bought us a house and had 2 beautiful children
nathaniel and superfly!!11!!
oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
but then one fateful night, zelda said to me
she said "sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?"
i said WOAH
hold on now, baby, i'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment
so we broke up and i never saw her again but thats just the way things go… in
epic guitar solo
anyway things really started looking up for me because about a week later i achieved my lifelong dream:
thats right i got me a part time job at the sizzler
i even made employee of the month after i put out that grease fire out with my face. aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that, i was gettin' a lot of attitude
ok like one time i was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
when i see this guy marty tryin to carry a big ol sofa up the stairs all by himself
so i, i say to him, i say "hey, you want me to help you with that?"
[insert the contents of this scratch project i coincidentally made recently here: https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/1112045712]
and then he gets all indignant on me
he’s like “hey man, i was just being sarcastic!”
well that’s just great, how was i supposed to know that?!?
ᶦ’ᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃ ᵐᶦⁿᵈ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ, ᶠᵒʳ ᶜʳʸᶦⁿᵍ ᵒᵘᵗ ˡᵒᵘᵈ…
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso Boy! So what's he complaining about?
say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days!
well, i knew what he meant, but just to be funny,
I TOOK A BIG BITE OUT OF HIS JUGULAR VEIN
and hes YELLING AND BLEEDING AND SCREAMING and im like “hey dont you get it?“
but he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming, you know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation
man some people just cant take a joke yknow
anyway….
um…
um…
…where was i?
kinda lost my train of thought
well i know it’s a bit of a roundabout way of saying it but the whole point im trying to make here is
I
HATE
thats all im really trying to say
and, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt, and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
at least you can take a small bit of comfort knowing somewhere out there in this crazy ol mixed up universe of ours… there’s still a little place.,,,
called AAAAAAAAALLBUQUERQUE!!
AAAAAAAAAALLLLLBUQUERQUE!!!
@noodle