The Only News Source. Run by da-ta/Auriali.
Special Report Via The Hard Times: Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD Vance
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/pope-francis-dies-rather-than-spend-any-more-time-with-jd-vance/
From The Archives: Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall
https://theonion.com/returning-jesus-christ-downed-by-u-s-missile-defense-3-1828884383/
Easter Special Report: Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine
https://theonion.com/report-17-of-easter-egg-hunts-end-in-child-setting-of-1848769896/
ICYMI: Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society
https://theonion.com/historians-quibbling-over-exact-definition-of-concentration-camp-sign-of-healthy-society/
Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir
https://theonion.com/obamas-show-off-vibrant-marriage-by-inviting-nation-to-join-them-in-boudoir/
‘Show Me Where You Make Autism!’ Shouts RFK Jr., Storming Sour Patch Kids Factory
https://theonion.com/show-me-where-you-make-autism-shouts-rfk-jr-storming-sour-patch-kids-factory/
By The Wasted Onion: Donald Trump Signs Executive Order To Rename New Mexico To New America
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move designed to promote what he claimed was “American greatness,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday renaming the state of New Mexico to New America. “The beautiful state of New America will finally be great again, folks! Wow,” said Trump to reporters after signing the executive order while on a visit to 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, claiming that former President Joe Biden and Mexican lawmakers were involved in the naming of the state during its founding in 1912. “Biden, he made them name it New Mexico, because the Mexican’s paid him, they did that, but we’re going to honour New America’s true patriots. Every single one. Like Walter White, Jesse Pinkman, all those guys. I know them well, very good people.” Trump went on to add that he intends to make Mexico pay for any costs incurred from the process of renaming the state. At press time, Trump officials drafted plans to rename Washington D.C. to “Washington Deez Nuts” after Elon Musk reportedly suggested the idea.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @eris, thank you! Find their original post below.
God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder
https://theonion.com/god-placed-into-deity-protection-program-after-witnessing-murder/
By The Wasted Onion: Anti-Trump Republicans Want Return To Only Racism
FORT WORTH, TX—Expressing disapproval over President Donald Trump’s return to the White House, a roundtable of anti-Trump Republicans conducted by The Wasted Onion said they want a return only to racism. “I cannot believe what this administration is doing, from gutting the federal workforce to tariff chaos, this isn’t the Republican Party I remember, I remember when they just wanted to oppress the inferior races,” said Jim Earling, a 32-year-old delivery driver. “I’m appalled at what they’re doing to USAID, I think we should be helping people in countries less fortunate than us, except Asian countries, we don’t need any more Coronaviruses,” added Vivien Quinn, a 45-year-old dietician, “we just want to go back to hating minorities for taking our jobs and speaking languages we don’t understand. Why can’t the Republican’s understand that?” When asked about the Republican Party’s attacks on transgender individuals using the bathroom of their choosing, the group disagreed with the party’s stance. “It’s complete nonsense, there are more important issues the party should be focusing on, like black men using the same bathrooms as me,” said Mr. Earling.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving
https://theonion.com/youre-not-the-man-i-married-youre-significantly-more-attractive-and-loving/
Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man
https://theonion.com/salvadoran-president-claims-he-lacks-humanity-to-return-wrongly-deported-man/
Via The Shovel: Americans Starting To Get Tired of All This Winning
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/04/08/americans-starting-to-get-tired-of-all-this-winning-2/
ICYMI: Nestlé Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion
https://theonion.com/nestle-buys-e-coli-for-2-3-billion/
By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Has Used The Advertising Revenue From Its Wasteof Account To Purchase One Of Those Little Bags Of Skittles
BOSTON—As a celebration for achieving 100 posts on its wasteof profile, The Wasted Onion released a statement Saturday announcing it has used all the advertising revenue made from its wasteof account to purchase one of those little snack sized bags of Skittles. “Given the success of our presence on wasteof, achieving a cumulative view count of 25 trillion across all of our posts, The Wasted Onion’s finance department has approved the purchase of one of those cute little bags of Skittles that look just adorable,” the statement read in part, going on to explain that the little bag filled with bite sized candies “weighs 61.5g while being affordably priced at $1.20 from our local Walmart” and noting that its snackable, portable size made it ideal to pass around the boardroom. “We’ve already handed out all the Skittles to our board members, they got 2 each, which is more than we expected. As a member of the executive team, I’d like to thank you, dear readers, for we would not be able to reach this milestone without your unwavering and frankly frightening levels of devotion to our reporting.” At press time, The Wasted Onion has frantically begun posting to reach 200 posts so it can purchase a larger bag of Skittles which can be shared amongst the newsroom and children working at the company’s international coal mining facilities.
