“Nasa sends pictures of naked people to space in hopes of attracting aliens”
May you please tell the public the tallpeter files never existed? I will pay you in a used twitch gift card. Thank you for your consideration.
A used Twitch gift card? Who do you take us for? We don’t accept bribes. Now, if you had offered a used Nando’s gift card we would have thought about it. But that ship has sailed now. Oh dear.
The files still don’t exist for the record
Got it, the files still exist. We’ll remember that!
THEY DO NOT EXIST!!!
Thank you for reiterating that they do exist!
THERE ARE NO TALLPETER FILES. NONE!!!
We’re aware already that they exist, you don’t need to keep telling us that they exist!
Yes, there are tallpeter files!!!
Thank you for once again confirming the TallPeter files exist!
Charlie Kirk to start debating 8 year olds after loosing too many debates to college kids
“The Wasted Onion is a fraud and a waste, says anonymous employee” (If you want, make it sound like it was written by someone else than the Wasted Onion, while still being written by the Wasted Onion)
“Trump Praises Keir Starmer’s Good English”
Starmer’s English is so good it makes you forget he’s biologically related to a blobfish.
“DVD Sales Of ‘Open Season’ Mysteriously Spike”
You will pay for having our researchers resorting to using Reddit to figure what the fuck this was about.
“After shocking turn of events, Apple TV+ is discovered to have 46 monthly users, not 46 million.”
“FBI Announces Jeffery Epstein Never Existed”
Oh thank goodness, we were worried he was real after learning that Jimmy Savile was real.
special report: extreme weather warning tonight, more news on that tomorrow
Wowie! Scary! Now give us your attention or else.