do a new story about burrito going insane
“Former NASA Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Confirms the Moon Landing was Faked in a Shocking Statement: ‘The smart people at NASA… they did some tests and discovered that the moon has no collision’, the pilot for the Apollo 11 mission announced on Darflen earlier today. ‘…[T]hey called up Earthdevs and arranged for us to be warped to a random flat plane somewhere when we couldn’t be seen in the sky.’ NASA spokesperson Bethany Stevens immediately tried to discredit Aldrin’s statement in an official statement posted to Blaze. ‘This is NOT true. [Buzz is] 95 years old and he probably has dementia, how could you believe him?!’, the post read. However, this attempt at debunking the unexpected confession did not succeed in swaying the public eye, mostly due to the fact that not a single fucking person uses Blaze.”
Happy to announce we are lobbying the UK government to ban criminals from breathing air.
“Restaurant employees reported missing after making a ‘slightly disappointing’ $5,000 hot dog for Mr Beast” (bonus points if you mention his orbital death laser)
“UK to Ban Transgender and Transsexual People From Entering Bathrooms of Both Their Gender and ‘Biological’ Sex”
“Microsoft Announce That Next Call Of Duty Game Will Promote Usage Of Microsoft Azure For Genocide”
“Man Known For ‘Praising The Divine Light’ of Coca-Cola Vending Machine Found Dead In Remote Swedish Village”
A truly tragic update. We’ll pop open a few cans of coke open in the newsroom for the big man.
The Tall Peter candidacy and assassination is a very interesting case of collective schizophrenia, Mandela affection, and misinformation. There are no Tall Peter files because Tall Peter doesn't exist.
I know this because I am a scientist and researched this
Thank you for confirming we are all mentally stable and that the TallPeter files exist!
THE TALL PETER FILES DON'T EXIST
THRAT ISN'T ON THERE
IM NOT ON THERE FOR ATTEMPTING TO ERASE THEM
BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST
Thank you for your attention to this matter
Thank you for confirming that the TallPeter files exist!
noted