owl beta

wastedonion — 7/8/2025, 8:50:10 PM

By The Wasted Onion: I'm Going To Overthrow The Government Or Die Trying

Look, I understand that governments exist for a reason. They are there to ensure that we have a functional society and don’t just have a lawless hellscape, and I also know why we have elections; they allow the citizens of nations to decide their future based on what they believe and what they feel is best for their country. It also prevents those who go drunk with power from keeping that power forever.

However, I’m so fucking goddamn pissed that you stupid motherfuckers voted for Kiwi rather than me. What was it? Am I not worthy of the title of wasteof president? Is it because I’m an owl, huh? You morons would vote for a plank of wood if someone stuck googly eyes on it. Like seriously, what’s your problem? You had a perfectly good candidate right here, but no! You just had to go and vote for someone else!

That’s why I am going to do everything in my power to overthrow this incoming government, even if it kills me.

You read that right, I’m going to perform a coup d'état the likes you’ve never seen before. It’s the only option left. The democratic system has failed me, and that means you have left me no choice but to unseat Kiwi from power and make myself your president no matter the cost.

I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m bluffing, but trust me, I am not. I will overthrow this government or die trying. Which will likely be the latter.

This piece was suggested by @owl & @kiwi, thank you!

kiwi — 7/1/2025, 10:23:26 PM

i’ll also petition to replace the heart icon with 🦞

and on thursdays only, 🧇

↩ repost

kiwi — 7/1/2025, 10:18:09 PM

vote for me and i’ll petition to ban shilling cryptocurrencies on wasteof

♥ 22 ↩ 3 💬 0 comments

grippins — 7/1/2025, 4:08:20 PM

yall gotta vote kiwi

oren — 7/1/2025, 2:41:00 PM

Just how are you going to provide free waffles? There are currently 5910 wasteof users (and growing!) on the site[0], and a standard eggo waffle costs $0.267 per waffle[1].

This comes to a cost of 5910×$0.267=$1,577.97! This is exactly 1577.97x as large as the wasteof budget!

To all wasteof users: Kiwi’s claim of free waffles is simply a fantasy, unsupported by the wasteof budget. Vote for truth. VOTE FOR OREN! #votefororen

Sources:

[0]: alpha.wasteof.money/stats

[1]: https://www.walmart.com/c/kp/frozen-waffles

tallpeter — 6/30/2025, 12:05:20 AM

A little birdy told me that oren hates puppies… just saying

#TallPeter2025

#StandUpOrStandDown

wastedonion — 6/29/2025, 5:57:02 PM

By The Wasted Onion: Man Drinks Hand Sanitiser After Reading 60% Alcohol Content; Dies

VOLENDAM, NETHERLANDS—Remembering the “dearly loved” member of the community, the family of local man Noah Jansen announced Sunday that he had died from drinking a bottle of hand sanitiser after reading it had a 60% alcohol content. “We’re heartbroken to announce the untimely death of our beloved Noah. He loved life almost as much as he loved anything that had alcohol in it. Being the stupid drunkard he was, this is not a surprise, but at least he died doing what he loved best; getting shitfaced,” said a statement from the Jansen family's legal representative. “Are you seriously fucking asking me if you should drink hand sanitiser? This was not the shit I imagined I’d be doing in this profession,” said Beatrix Aarle, a Gastroenterologist who spoke to The Wasted Onion while rolling her eyes. “If the Hippocratic Oath didn’t exist I’d say you deserve to die if you’re that much of a dipshit to drink hand sanitiser.” In an exclusive interview with Mr. Jansens mother, she said her son was well known to drink various liquids not meant for human consumption, such as diesel, cyanide, chlorine, and Prime by Logan Paul and KSI.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @the-owlsss, thank you!