Never date a baker. They're too kneady.
My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
How do you make holy water? You freeze it and drill holes in it.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Today I learned that changing random stuff until your program works is "hacky" and a "bad coding practice" but if you do it fast enough it's "Machine Learning" and pays 4x your current salary.
Your momma is so fat, you need to switch to NTFS to store a picture of her.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs."
"OK."
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk."
He never returned.
The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
"We messed up the keming again guys."
I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.