Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion condemns the gross threat by presidential candidate TallPeter to ban our reporters from the Oval Office. Not just is it a threat against democracy, it is an attack against the greatest and sexiest news source to grace the planet which you miserable slobs call home. Due to these comments, The Wasted Onion’s parent business The Wasted Company has filed a lawsuit against TallPeter for infringing on our freedom of speech. We will win this lawsuit, as we know we’re standing on the right side of history, as well as having full control over the world’s legal systems. We urge TallPeter to remember who holds the cards here, because we didn’t take over every major financial institution with kindness and a can-do attitude, we did it the old fashioned way with unyielding and unfettered capitalism. TallPeter must also remember we have rigged every election from U.S. presidents to Discord moderators, and we are not afraid to ensure TallPeter “accidentally“ doesn’t appear on ballot papers any more, that would be such a shame. So remember, The Only News Source is the divine light in a world shrouded in darkness, and to try and defy this natural order is akin to killing your own dog by accident in Minecraft, with the pain lingering for the rest of your insignificant life.
I will be banning reporters from WastedOnion from entering the oval office if elected.
#StandUpOrStandDown
#PeterDert2025
Daily Election Update: As the campaign goes on, candidates have begun using memes to convince citizens to vote for them, causing critical mass cringe events.
Updates from the campaign trail:
Posting to wasteof, Oren thanked the North Korean city Pyongyang for “supporting the best candidate! Long live Kim Jong Un!”
Kiwi was also actively posting on wasteof, saying “i don’t condone voting with alts, but i do condone voting for #kiwilate2025 with alts no one knows about!”
The-Owlsss announced various anti-KyleTech measures, such as buggy Wix features, to prevent similar incident’s like yesterday, where Mr. Tech rushed Owlsss’s stage at a rally.
TallPeter apologised today for misleading the public regarding how tall he was, we’ve yet to hear an apology from him after trying to do our job for us by posting a satire news graphic.
Elsie danced to Saturn by SZA for an entire 1 hour interview with lesser news outlet BBC, leaving the journalist sobbing in the corner of the room.
V1 has once again been mentioned in The Only News Source, proving their campaign isn’t being censored, you’re welcome again.
Pufferfish101007 has lost significant backing after saying they like light mode.
SixFourLu has dropped out of the race after missing a Spanish lesson with their running mate Duolingo, causing SixFourLu to vanish without a trace.
In a turn of good fortune, WannaBeRose didn’t insult us today. The snipers have been told to hold their fire.
