By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces 350% Tariff On All Oxygen-Breathing Taking Place Outside U.S.

WASHINGTON—In a shocking escalation of his continuing trade war with nations across the globe, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he was imposing a 350% tariff on all foreign oxygen breathing. “The American breathing industry is facing a very fast death. Other countries taking our oxygen are doing so without paying us a dime. This is a concerted effort by other nations to take American oxygen for themselves and therefore is a national security threat,” Trump wrote in a Truth Social post, stating that the new oxygen intake tariffs would be imposed with immediate effect. “I am authorizing the Department of Commerce and the United States Trade Representative to immediately begin instituting a 350% tariff on any and all oxygen breathing outside our great nation.” Trump went on to say to reporters outside the south lawn of the White House that the fresh tariffs are “magnificent” and would “make oxygen great again!” At press time, the new tariffs have reportedly already cost countries worldwide roughly 690 quadrillion dollars, with penguins inhabiting Heard Island and McDonald Islands, who were also hit with the new tariffs, threatening to melt icecaps which would send the U.S. mainland underwater.

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