Duffer Brothers Admit They Haven’t Watched ‘Stranger Things’ In Years
https://theonion.com/duffer-brothers-admit-they-havent-watched-stranger-things-in-years/
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The Only News Source. Run by da-ta/Auriali.
Duffer Brothers Admit They Haven’t Watched ‘Stranger Things’ In Years
https://theonion.com/duffer-brothers-admit-they-havent-watched-stranger-things-in-years/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: Darflen Rebrands To Garflen, Announces Site Will Go Offline Every Monday
Why Are We Doing Dry January?
https://theonion.com/why-are-we-doing-dry-january/
ICYMI: Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head
https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-as-trump-seen-with-damage-numbers-above-head/
Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses
https://theonion.com/trump-appoints-self-to-divine-muses/
Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: Die.
the problem with the wasted onion is that reading the posts takes too long
By The Wasted Onion: EarthDevs Reveal 2026 Will Suck As Much Fucking Shit As 2025 Did
THE INTERNET—Giving information about upcoming updates to Earth as it prepares to enter the new year, the developers of Earth have revealed 2026 will suck as much goddamn fucking shit as 2025 did. “As we look forward to the new year and the updates that we have lined up, we are able to let users know that 2026 will suck about as much as 2025 has. This is due to a variety of reasons, such as various unintended bugs that have yet to be remedied and will need our full attention for the next few months. This has delayed work on feature updates, such as the highly requested rebalance of democratic erosion and backsliding,” said the massive nerds on the official @EarthDevs account. “We understand this is not ideal, and we will work as hard as we can to provide those updates that will hopefully make future years more enjoyable for our users going forward. But for now, you can expect a lot of the same from 2026 as you got during 2025. Who knows, maybe you’ll grow to like it.” Following the announcement, users of Earth grew frustrated, sending in over 8,266,855,887 complaints to the developers official feedback form. At press time, Earth developers issued a hotfix that made dictatorships 25% more likely to happen in the country you live in.
Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump’s Face On Annual Passes
https://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/
By The Wasted Onion: Israel Releases Highly Anticipated List Of Upcoming War Crimes It Will Commit Against Palestinians In New Year
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—Making an end of year remark at the Knesset Friday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has released a highly anticipated list of every war crime Israel plans on committing against Palestinians in 2026. “It is with great enthusiasm and pride that I announce to you all today Israel’s 2026 list of war crimes it will commit against the so-called Palestinian people. From ethnic cleansing to genocide and the use of famine as a means of warfare, there is a war crime for every occasion in the new year. No war crime is too heinous, Israel will commit it, over and over again. There are war crimes for boys, girls, old, young and every other kind of war crime enjoyer, 2026 will be packed full of crimes that will take The Hague decades to unravel,” said Netanyahu before dousing himself in a liquid labelled “Palestinian baby blood” and moaning. “The prime minister's recently released list of upcoming atrocities against the Palestinian plague is nowhere near evil enough. Do you think Hitler or Mussolini would be caught dead committing just genocide? No! We must erase the very concept of Palestinians off the face of this Earth so that no one even remembers they existed!” said Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich while flipping through photos on his phone of maimed Palestinian children in Gaza. Following the release of the list, many U.S. officials and lawmakers warned Israel it would not be sending Christmas cards next year if it did not cease murdering Palestinians so openly. At press time, Human Rights Watch stated that the list of war crimes “was a major wake up call for the world,” going on to warn that Israel’s upcoming performance at the Eurovision Song Contest in Vienna could result in “a mass ear bleeding epidemic” if Israel is not stopped.
From The Archives: At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day
https://theonion.com/at-least-child-laborer-not-staring-at-ipad-all-day/
By The Wasted Onion: Tourists Entering U.S. Could Be Required To Provide Last 5 Years Of Nudes
WASHINGTON—Explaining that she only wants “the right people” coming into the country, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem said that Customs and Border Protection may start asking foreign tourists entering the United States for the last 5 years of their nude images as a condition for entry. “Unlike the previous Biden administration, we do not want violent thugs coming through our borders and making our water transgender or putting fentanyl in our condoms. We do not want the wrong people coming into our country, so with that and national security in mind, I will tell those planning on visiting the United States of America across the world that you may be required to hand over the last 5 years of nude images over to border security to keep America free and safe,” said Mrs. Noem with a stern expression that conveyed either seriousness or a fart being held in. “To be clear, if you attempt to evade this potential new rule by either deleting your nudes or discarding your electronic devices before entry, we will turn you away. Only those who allow agents to conduct a comprehensive search of your devices for any pictures of your dick, pussy, boobs or balls will be able to enter the United States. Don’t worry however, we’ll only laugh at your nudes if you’re fat or something.” Following the statement from Noem, those from around the globe reacted with contempt and bafflement, confused as to why U.S. officials need visitors to the country to hand over their nudes when the government already collects them via covert surveillance. At press time, Homeland Security clarified that minors would also be required to follow the potential new rule, with their nudes being sent directly to the president for “personal reasons” that the agency would not elaborate on.
From The Archives: Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan
https://theonion.com/cat-clinging-to-side-of-christmas-tree-admits-that-was-1849899567/
ICYMI: Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ
https://theonion.com/bullshit-newborn-not-even-christ/
Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House
https://theonion.com/santa-tracker-shows-sleigh-stopped-for-40-minutes-outside-old-girlfriends-house/
