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Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-pushes-child-aside-on-way-to-escape-pods-as-starbase-collapses/
Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’
https://theonion.com/pope-leo-xiv-there-couldnt-be-a-better-time-to-get-the-fuck-out-of-america-forever/
Special Report By The Wasted Onion: White Mango Flavoured Vape Smoke Rises From Sistine Chapel Chimney
Trump Absent-Mindedly Snacks On Constitution
https://theonion.com/trump-absent-mindedly-snacks-on-constitution/
Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums
https://theonion.com/trump-decries-lack-of-u-s-made-products-lodged-in-american-rectums/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Announces 350% Tariff On All Oxygen-Breathing Taking Place Outside U.S.
WASHINGTON—In a shocking escalation of his continuing trade war with nations across the globe, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he was imposing a 350% tariff on all foreign oxygen breathing. “The American breathing industry is facing a very fast death. Other countries taking our oxygen are doing so without paying us a dime. This is a concerted effort by other nations to take American oxygen for themselves and therefore is a national security threat,” Trump wrote in a Truth Social post, stating that the new oxygen intake tariffs would be imposed with immediate effect. “I am authorizing the Department of Commerce and the United States Trade Representative to immediately begin instituting a 350% tariff on any and all oxygen breathing outside our great nation.” Trump went on to say to reporters outside the south lawn of the White House that the fresh tariffs are “magnificent” and would “make oxygen great again!” At press time, the new tariffs have reportedly already cost countries worldwide roughly 690 quadrillion dollars, with penguins inhabiting Heard Island and McDonald Islands, who were also hit with the new tariffs, threatening to melt icecaps which would send the U.S. mainland underwater.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison
https://theonion.com/trump-vows-to-reopen-joann-fabrics-as-prison/
Via The Shovel: Zelensky Says Trump Should ‘Just Accept’ Deal for Canada To Take Over USA
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/02/21/zelensky-says-trump-should-just-accept-deal-for-canada-to-take-over-usa/
Special Report: Border agents posted at Tucson maternity ward to quickly deport migrant mom
https://tucson.com/news/local/border/article_b024b264-ab3a-4ab9-b39b-cb2a2ff5e7a7.html
ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn
https://theonion.com/ice-agents-wait-at-edge-of-delivery-table-to-deport-newborn/
ICYMI: RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-encourages-americans-to-do-their-own-research-about-dragons/
‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up
https://theonion.com/gta-vi-delayed-until-developers-get-grades-up/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Blames Biden Who Blames Trump Who Blames Obama Who Blames Bush Who Blames Clinton For Shrinking U.S. Economy
Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal
https://theonion.com/trump-russia-must-be-allowed-to-keep-fighting-as-part-of-any-ceasefire-deal/
By The Wasted Onion: International Court Of Justice Rules Palestinians Might Not Deserve Genocide
THE HAGUE—Issuing the ruling which has already been seen as a historic moment in international justice, the International Court of Justice has ruled that Palestinians might not deserve to be the victims of genocide. “This court is of the view that the ongoing incessant bombing of Palestinians in Gaza by Israel might not be a totally chill thing to do,” said ICJ president Yuji Iwasawa while reading out the ruling to the courtroom. “It doesn’t matter who your target is, a rival nation’s population, immigrant communities, your own people. This court’s moral and legal principles compel us to firmly tell Israel and the world that it is usually but not always illegal to commit genocide and that Palestinians are no less deserving of the same human rights afforded to us all, probably.” The ICJ’s ruling went on to order that Israel could possibly stop killing so many Palestinians if it finds the time in its lengthy schedule but stressed that it understands those in the Israeli government are busy people and might not have time to consider it for a while. At press time, reports suggested that the ICJ was considering a ruling in which it would declare that the occupation of the West Bank by Israel maybe isn’t that super awesome.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @engineerrunner, thank you!
