tfw youre listing reasons your life is good and one isnt applicable anymore . and that lowkey the reason you fell into listing good things in your life just subconsciously. and then you feel worse!!! kind of everything is bad right now! there is no point in listing that! God have mercy on my soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lowkey that was a big reason my life was good still and lowkey why i didnt stay in the depression i had manifested in early 2024!!!!! and my life has gotten so much worse and i was just thinking. wow. we’re talking all the time now. lifes good again. lifes really good. ! my father being so near death and my mother working all the time and me failing school and my brother moving away and the deaths and the sickness and the pain, it has all been removed from my mind! it has been cleared!! i felt such a true peace every time i finished talking with you, it cleared my mind, i felt that the only break from my mind and the world and everything, even with unserious conversation. and now youre gone. and in a situation like this i would have gone to you to talk about it. and i couldve felt calm after.
i was making a list of things to ask you about in the break from when i last logged on. i had so many things to ask you. i wouldve never been done. there is an entire world i could ask you things about. i wish to know your opinion on everything, i wish to talk all the time. and now i will never get another chance. i will never be able to ask your opinion about any other stupid bird type, or rant about fallout, or a movie ive watched, or ask you about your faith, or make any stupid joke, or anything. not ever again.
i knew this would happen. i knew it was fast approaching but i wished i was sixteen before it happened, i wished perhaps there was some way we could’ve kept in touch. i planned what to do when this happened two years ago, and now, with no warning or foreword, it has happened, and i am left alone.
i love you so much. God have mercy on my soul. i wish i hadnt been so rude to you, so so rude, and been so annoying and just awful. i wish i wouldve spent this time more intentionally, no thats not the word I DONT KNOW I CANT THINK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, why didnt i think! i knew this would happen THIS YEAR !! why was i born so late, why not right after my parents married, God have mercy on my soul. I cried for forty five minutes and i look all around me and everything reminds me again a reason to cry. i wish i knew a happy song on piano i could play to cheer me up.
lol it doubleposted some of my replies so i deleted them but it deleted both so. idk. idc i just needed to get everything out no matter. i feel awful i might vomit !!!!!! everything around me reminds me of something related to that and i cannot distract myself with anything!!! i havent even played any music, i legit watched my movie to distract myself and it played a song i first heard around the time we first started talking fully and i had literally just shut up from crying after thirty minutes to start crying again! yay!
uhhhh i’m trying to find the context of all of this lol are you okay?
yeah lmao i was being dramatic sors