By The Wasted Onion: Trump Eyes Yugoslavia As Next Nation To Seize

WASHINGTON—Seemingly emboldened after the successful mission to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, U.S. President Donald Trump has expressed interest in seizing the former nation of Yugoslavia, believing it to still currently exist. “We need Yugoslavia very badly. We need Yugoslavia from the standpoint of national security. And the Yugoslavs are not gonna be able to stop it, I can tell you. I know Stjepan Mesić very well, very good man,” said Trump on Air Force One before a reporter made him aware the country broke up in 1991 and 1992, with the president seemingly confused how Stjepan Mesić was in fact the final president of Yugoslavia before going on to become the president of Croatia from 2000 to 2010. “We live in a world, in the real world, Jake, that is governed by strength, that is governed by force, that is governed by power. These are the iron laws of the world since the beginning of time. Nobody’s going to fight the United States militarily over the future of Yugoslavia, mainly because its future was already determined back in the 90s during a pretty awful war or something,” said top security advisor and aide Stephen Miller in an interview with lesser news outlet CNN. Following the threats made by the Trump administration, nations formerly part of Yugoslavia released statements trying to explain to Trump that he couldn’t seize a country that doesn’t exist anymore. At press time, Stephen Miller reportedly suggested that President Trump could seize each of the former nations of Yugoslavia and reunite them to resurrect the country.

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