kiwi — 10/29/2025, 4:24:41 AM

president’s log of australia: day 30/30

why i sure do love being in australia, i sure do hope nothing out of the ordinary happens on this particular day oh hey look is that a

SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE CRACK HOUSE

After a really long, boring, and drawn-out saga to catch the terrible individual responsible for murdering @tallpeter in cold blood, me and Late have successfully identified this blight on the wasteof community and would like to invite you to publicly shame them alongside us.

As it turns out, identifying the killer was not easy. We had to sift through a ton of the TallPeter files, some of which we shared with you officially and the rest was… graciously shared publicly by the Wasted Onion without our prior written permission, but we don’t really care. After all, they were just a few random government documents we had lying around, who cares if they get leaked?

Believe us, this was a tough case. The murderer made sure to leave no trace - except they accidentally did, so they didn’t really try that hard. On multiple occasions, our top investigators felt compelled to drop the case entirely, but after being promised more free meatball subs, they persisted.

And now I can finally reveal, after months of talking about this with seemingly no end in sight, that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. The savage responsible for killing TallPeter in broad daylight is:

@ikilledtallpeter420.

I’m just as shocked as you all are, honestly. Of all the good, upstanding citizens on this website, the one that was arguably a saint up to this point chooses to go through with this unthinkable act.

Oh by the way, yes we made sure to dox them, and don’t worry, they are not hot. Next question.

We have moved ikilledtallpeter420 to KiwiLate Maximum State Penitentiary, and they are officially on death row. I will authorize our Executive Executor @adventuremase to fulfill his one job in a few short days soon, but until then you can feel free to shame this scum of the earth on this wasteof profile. Also, we’re letting you, the wasteof community, decide what ikilledtallpeter420’s last meal should be. I’m thinking an all-you-can-eat nutraloaf buffet… with a side of justice… but if you all want to give him a cake for some sick twisted reason, just make your voice heard on this post and the KiwiLate Kitchen Department will try to accommodate.

Here are some words from Late in regards to this milestone in detective work:

[We regret to inform that Late failed to respond for an interview in time for the publication of this document. They don’t call them Late for nothing, after all. We apologize for the inconvenience. Should they choose to respond, this document will be updated accordingly. - KiwiLate Proofreading and Waffle Distribution Department]

As for me, the president of wasteof dot money, I have been escorted by the KiwiLate Ok Fine We’re Just Making Up Departments Now department to the fastest economy-class plane they could find. Yes, after my unusually long leave of absence, I will finally be returning to the one sane place that is Wasteoftopia and fulfilling my normal obligations. They said this was for “safety” or some dumb new DEI woke thing. Unbelievable!

Thank you all for your support over the course of these past 30 days. I know you all were so worried about me and wanted an easily accessible lifelog because we all know the world revolves around me, but fear not, for KiwiLate, and its accompanying justice system, has returned in all its glory.

Sincerely,

The KiwiLate Administration.

P.S. Someone mailed a bunch of vinyl records to my home address and a ton of money mysteriously disappeared from my wallet over the course of this trip. What’s up with that?

P.P.S. Maybe now Late will finally draw that worm with sunglasses playing the saxophone. Maybe. MAYBE.