Special Report From The Crack House
Today, we found this message sitting on Kiwi’s presidential desk, which appears to have been frivolously scrawled on a notepad. We eventually found Kiwi sitting behind said desk taking a nap, and now claims to be feeling “a lot better” now that he “got that out of his system”. However, we still feel that it’s in this website’s best interest if he stay in bed for a few days after whatever that was.
As part of our commitment to transparency, we have provided the full transcript of the message below for you to interpret.
“BASED ON THE HORRIBLE AND VILE WAIT TIMES PROVIDED BY THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE, I HAVE AUTHORIZED VICE PRESIDENT LATE TO IMPOSE SOME NEW BILL I JUST INVENTED WITHOUT ASKING OTHER PEOPLE IN ADVANCE BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS. THIS BILL WILL MAKE MY PANIC PLAYDATE CONSOLE ARRIVE FASTER, AND IT WAS SUGGESTED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND PROPAGANDA ENGINEERRUNNER (GREAT GUY BY THE WAY, I SHOULD LOOK INTO UNBANNING THAT SOCIALISM ACCOUNT THE WOKE CROWD SCRUBBED) WHILE I WAS DRINKING COVFEFE. IT WILL MAKE EVERY SINGLE PLAYDATE IN THE WORLD ARRIVE FASTER!!!! YOU’RE ALL WELCOME THAT I AM THE WORLD’S SMARTEST HUMAN BEING NAMED KIWI!!!!! Now i am TOTALLY DESERVING OF A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!”
Again, no idea what that was about, but hopefully he gets well soon and doesn’t do… that… again.
- Bob, The Crack House’s Janitor (was the only guy available to write this message)
They should elect me to be a janitor next time…
by the power invested in me as president, i hereby fire bob and instate you as the official janitor of the crack house
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! triumphantly holds a mop over my head