📰 OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE FROM THE CRACK HOUSE

Today I am doing a policy speedrun to fulfil every manifesto promise I haven’t completed yet. Each point number from my manifesto is in square brackets:

We’ve gotten the Oxford English dictionary to change the spelling of “enclosure” to “inclosure,” [2] meaning the acronym of the FBI is now Funny Baboon Inclosure. [3]
We have renamed New York to New York New York, so with its state its New York New York New York. [7]
Bologna has been criminalised [9] and decriminalised. [10]
Everyday is now Independence Day! [13]
The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal "bodeboop". A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound. ding Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready… Start! [14]
Our flag now has a cool dragon on it. [18]
The national motto is now “E Pluribus Unum? I hardly know ‘em!” [22]
The Supreme Court is now the Soup Meme Court. [23]
Gerrymandering is legal only if your name is Gerry. [24]
Tax fraud is OK sometimes but the IRS won’t tell you when and why. [25]

PRESS RELEASE ENDS

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