Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: Here at The Only News Source, our goal has been to bathe the darkest, murkiest corners of the world in the shining light of exceptional journalism. We have not just successfully done that since 1734, but since my tenure beginning in 1856, I have expanded our operations beyond any known borders, including the space time continuum. After forming The Wasted Onion’s parent business known as The Wasted Company, we’ve expanded into consulting, marketing, tax evading, lobbying for big tobacco, book burning, and the rigging of over 118 local and national elections across the globe. With The Crack Houses latest announcement that it will allocate the rest of its funding for this year to The Wasted Onion to secure the future of parody news, we just know we will be able to do even more fucked up cool as hell bullshit. I for one cannot wait to have those two cartoon flies whirling around me, entering any and all of my available orifices. Mmm, delicious. I’m getting excited just thinking about it. You and your fellow peasants may feel a small, gentle, 9.5 magnitude sized impact upon your miserable lives, but we feel it is worth it for our wonderful, sexy plans. Just remember, we matter, you don’t. Remember that consuming the fruits of our journalistic labour contributes to 1 of your 5 a day. Now go forth and consume. That’s right, down the hatch. It's scrumptious, isn’t it? Slurp it up, all of it.
I have watched and studied the way the people of wasteof and the Crack House use our money, how they engage our budget.
As the official Treasurer of the Crack House, the money of this platform is my responsibility, and therefore it is up to me to waste it. After months of consideration, I have found the perfect source to receive funding directly from the Crack House.
It is with immense pleasure that I announce that @wastedonion will be receiving the rest of this year's funding — that being the two cartoon flies in my wallet — to push towards the future of parody parody news. I hope that these flies find a rightful place either on your news team or as a bartering tool of some sort.
I understand that there may be some speculation over the cause of this funding. I can assure you that the fact that both the Wasted Onion and the Crack House have the same owner is purely coincidental, and is not a scheme to put more flies in the hands of our benevolent leader. I hope this clears up any possible confusion.
As for the future, the election seems to be rapidly approaching. Although no results of the election are predetermined, I plan on running for another government position, and I hope that my actions during this present term allow you to put complete faith in me for whatever the future may hold.
With all due respect, Toaks
You know what I supported kiwi during the first elections but when the re-elections happen I’m 100% supporting The Only Government
i’m not even gonna run this time, the choice is clear
Fr…