By The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion Announces Newspaper That Will Be Available Everywhere Except Exactly Where You Live

ST. ANDREWS, SCOTLAND—Celebrating the achievement of reaching two hundred posts on its wasteof account, The Wasted Onion has announced a newspaper that will be available around the globe except for your exact geographical location. “As we stand here celebrating the momentous milestone of 200 posts to our wasteof account, which has garnered a combined count of over 7.8 trillion views, we are also excited to announce our latest offering, The Wasted Onion newspaper. Yes, paper, something you can hold in your sweaty peasant hands; starting tomorrow. Except for you, dear reader, you will unfortunately be unable to find our newspaper wherever you are located,” said CEO Clef Bozos outside the news organisation's ebola chocolate factory. “Our inability to provide the newspaper to your location is due to a myriad of reasons, such as delivery complications to local stores around your geographical area, to the fact that we found out you haven’t likely ever read a newspaper in your goddamn life, and also because you just give us creepy vibes and we’re scared of what you’d do with our paper.” At press time, Mr. Bozos assured that The Wasted Onion would make up for its inability to provide its newspaper to your specific location by continuing its onslaught of posting the harsh light of truth to its wasteof profile, no matter how much you beg for it to stop.

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