Statement From Clef Bozos, CEO Of The Wasted Onion: As many of you may have noticed today, The Wasted Onion posted an article that could be deemed as so-called “real news”. To be clear, our award-winning newsroom for the highest number of human rights violations made no mistake, rather, we felt an obligation to promote the work of lesser news organisations like The Associated Press. With a daily readership of 6.7 trillion, The Wasted Onion eclipses any and all other feeble members of the press, due to this, we know that the only way they can sustain themselves is suckling from the teat of The Only News Source. Under my leadership since 1856, The Wasted Onion has grown from being a mere news empire to owning all former colonies of the British Empire. I tout this success to our ruthless campaign lobbying all world governments to repeal all anti-monopoly legislation so we could conquer not just the news business, but business itself. We hope that our kind gesture to the flailing Associated Press will help them keep the lights on for another month, so we can finalise our hostile takeover and turn them into a sports betting platform based out of the Cayman Islands. For The Wasted Onion, its regular news-based assault on all of your senses will continue today, but never forget when we turned our gaze towards our pathetic peers for a flicker in time.
