Statement From Paul Woodman, Head Of Legal At The Wasted Onion: The Wasted Onion unequivocally denies @Esben’s accusations. We strongly oppose the baseless slander that The Wasted Onion’s 592,445 strong journalistic staff and emerald mine slaves are Chinese hackers, rather, they are North Korean hackers. Those hackers from China are morons compared to the technological wizardry that The Wasted Onion’s DPRK based script kiddies can do under the leadership of the great leader Kim Jong Un. We will fight to the bitter end in every court and underground fight club to be victorious in this legal battle. We ask that Esben please serve his notice of legal proceedings to The Wasted Onion’s legal department, based at Magtymguly Street, No. 12, Turkmenabat 745400, Turkmenistan, country of dear leader Serdar Berdimuhamedow (who most certainly was elected in a totally not rigged election) where it will be promptly handed over to our secretary, Mrs. Shredder. Since 1734, The Wasted Onion has been the world’s most trusted source for news. Now with a daily readership of 6.7 trillion, we are the world’s greatest and most influential organisation across all known galaxies. On top of our journalistic work, The Wasted Onion also operates 95.7% of the Earth’s uranium deposits and proudly rigs hundreds of local and state elections every year. We highlight this important work as we will not have this slanderous portrait of our journalism taint our stellar track record.
I am here to announce that I will be suing @wastedonion for leaking classified information. This is a severe threat to our nation, and wastedonion is clearly some sort of Chinese hacker, to get into our top secret government communication platforms the Department of Intelligent Secretive Communication Online Record Distribution, otherwise know as D. I. S. C. O. R. D. See you in court.