Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry
https://theonion.com/grown-man-licking-ice-cream-cone-placed-on-sex-offender-registry/
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The Only News Source. Run by da-ta/Auriali.
Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry
https://theonion.com/grown-man-licking-ice-cream-cone-placed-on-sex-offender-registry/
By The Wasted Onion: Trump Pardons Florida Man
WASHINGTON—Remarking that it was "righteous" as he signed the executive order in the Oval Office Wednesday afternoon, U.S. President Donald Trump has pardoned a Florida man. “What this young man did was nothing more than a simple mistake, its only right that America recognises that this brilliant man be forgiven - it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise, something I’m sure the woke radical left will be mad at me for,” said the president after signing the executive order that pardoned 44-year-old Florida man Billy Butler, who was found guilty of assault after picking up an alligator at a golf course and proceeding to throw the 230kg reptile at a 2-year-old toddler, killing the child instantaneously. “The beautiful state of Florida has equally as beautiful people, that includes those like Billy Butt [sic] who throw alligators around at toddlers like we all do at the wonderful Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando.” Mr. Butler previously received a pardon during Trump’s first term after he built a comically large slingshot attached to the roof of his Toyota Prius which fired 10 piece bargain buckets from KFC at police during a high-speed chase that lasted 72 hours. At press time, Billy Butler thanked the president for pardoning him, proceeding to then rush out of his home and begin work building a tank out of peacock feathers and duct tape while dressed as YouTuber, streamer and fellow Florida resident MoistCr1TiKaL.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now
https://theonion.com/study-finds-voices-should-sound-normal-through-walkie-talkies-by-now/
By The Wasted Onion: Poopenfarten Is Your Digital Growth Partner In Los Angeles! 🚀
LOS ANGELES, CA 🌉—Bringing jubilation 🤩 to those looking to build a website 🌐, custom software 💻, mobile apps 📱 or get SEO support, 🚀 Poopenfarten is here to help as your digital growth partner in Los Angeles! “Not just does Poopenfarten build websites 🌐, mobile apps 📱 and more ✨, they help acquire traffic by optimising your SEO and ensuring you target exactly the right demographics! 😎 They are so helpful! 🥰 With a proven track record of boosting revenue with their state-of-the-art SEO strategies! 💰” said a very satisfied customer with a big ol’ wide grin 😁 on their face as they had pleasant dreams 💭 about Poopenfarten’s 1,000,000+ clients who trust them ✅, including Enron, Theranos and Wirecard. “But that’s not all! 😱 Poopenfarten also ensures all of their work is secure 🔒, scalable ⚖️, and conversation-focused 💬. So you can be confident that you are getting the best bang 💥 for your buck 🤑 possible! Their prices are also extremely competitive 🥊, you’re guaranteed not to find anyone else who will get you in front of as many willing and unwilling eyeballs 👀 as Poopenfarten can! 🥳” In a further fantastic evolution in their SEO strategy, Poopenfarten has begun offering new demographics to target 🎯, like users of obscure social media hobby projects with untapped userbases 👥 in the thousands! Find Poopenfarten on Google Maps 📍, or visit your nearest dark alleyway 🌃, let’s turn your digital vision into reality! 🔥
#DigitalAgency #WebDesign #CustomSoftware #SEO #Poopenfarten #LosAngeles #Slop #DoHashtagsWorkHere #PleaseDon’tBanUs
Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills
https://theonion.com/financial-advisors-recommend-throwing-away-unopened-bills/
Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month
https://theonion.com/ghoul-americans-celebrate-demonic-heritage-month/
By The Wasted Onion: Fox News Anchor Claims Zohran Mamdani Will Rebuild Twin Towers To Do 9/11 Again If Elected
NEW YORK—Attacking the mayoral candidate in a blistering segment Monday, Fox News Anchor Jesse Watters claimed Zohran Mamdani would rebuild the original World Trade Center to then do 9/11 again if he is elected. “Not only is Mamdani a radical leftist, progressive and communist, he is severely dangerous. He’s already laid out plans to tear down the One World Trade Center and rebuild the original World Trade Center just so he can have Al-Qaeda do 9/11 all over again as some sort of sick and twisted punishment for us being American patriots,” said the presenter during an episode of Jesse Watters Primetime, in which the anchor also claimed Palestinians in Gaza were actually robots being controlled by the deep state and that feeling empathy is a sign of terminal wokeness. “He’s got it all laid out, he’s even got all the remaining emergency workers who responded to the original 9/11 attack on speed dial so he can call them to go into the new one he’s gonna set in motion. A vote for Zohran Mamdani is a vote for a communist leftist marxist transgender socialist dictatorship and woke 9/11.” Reacting to the segment after airing, a senior strategist for the Democrats agreed with Watters, stating that “it is simply preposterous that Democrats should be able to win anything ever, we are the party of shooting ourselves in the foot - Zohran Mamdani is a threat to this. I didn’t watch the segment, but it's probably true. Anyway, time for us to return to shooting ourselves in the foot.” At press time, Watters doubled down on his claim, going on to state that if elected, Mamdani would force the federal government to once again refuse to pay for healthcare and benefits for first responders after responding to the 9/11 recreation.
The Wasted Onion Magazine: Crappy End Of The Stall: How Bathroom Companies Invented Gender To Sell More Bathrooms
ICYMI: White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President
https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
ICYMI: Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile
Unlike anything you’ve already seen about Jeffrey Epstein, this documentary uncovers the truth behind one of America’s most notorious perverts. This is Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile.
https://theonion.com/the-onion-investigates-jeffrey-epstein/
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began
https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
By The Wasted Onion: ‘The Wasteof.money Movie’ Unveiled With Blaze Direct-To-Streaming Series In Development
THE INTERNET—Jubilantly revealing details about the new greenlit theatrical project Friday, wasteof.money owner Jeffalo has announced “The Wasteof.money Movie” as the first instalment in a new obscure social media platform cinematic universe, with a direct-to-streaming series about Blaze currently in development. “I am excited to announce that the first instalment in the obscure social media platform cinematic universe, The Wasteof.money Movie, is now officially happening! I can’t tell you just how special this moment is for this platform, to have our very own blockbuster movie about this site is just the most wonderful way to waste a shit ton of money. And we aren’t stopping there! We’re also wasting more money by currently developing a direct-to-streaming series all about Blaze, from disaster to death!” read a post made by the wasteof owner to his account, sharing cast details with Chris Pratt playing Jeffalo, Adam Sandler as wasteof President Kiwi, Jack Black as Vice President Late and Restaurant Brands International CEO Joshua Kobza, who owns Tim Hortons, as ILoveTimHortons. “We have some awesome stuff coming up, not just do we have this wasteof movie on the way and the Blaze TV show in development, we also have other ideas for the cinematic universe, such as a spinoff movie for the wasteof movies villain postLit, as well as a short for Darflen. If we get enough profit we could probably also squeeze in a Meower movie too, maybe set it back in Victorian times." Alongside the announcement, streaming service FlopoRodoGoLo+ Pro HBO Max Mini Air said it would be exclusively streaming the upcoming wasteof movie and in development Blaze TV series. At press time, Jeffalo announced that Rich Lee, director of the 2025 adaptation of “War of the Worlds” for Amazon Prime was set to direct the wasteof movie.
This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis
https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin’ Shirt
https://theonion.com/macarthur-genius-grant-awarded-to-inventor-of-eatin-shirt/
By The Wasted Onion: Autism CEO Making Killing Off Of Selling Tylenol Right Now
WICHITA, KS—Excitedly announcing the huge spike in revenue over the last month, the anonymous CEO of autism has said they are making a killing selling Tylenol right now. “I cannot tell you how much money we here at autism are making selling Tylenol at record levels. Ever since President Trump and RFK Jr. said there is a supposed link between the painkiller and autism, we have been making absolute bank handing out these lil caplets out like its trick or treat!” said the CEO while shrouded in darkness in a video posted online. “Our cash cow used to be selling MMR vaccines since there are so many morons who seem to think those caused autism, but Tylenol has really taken off, so many people are gonna think they’re gonna get some ‘quirky’ form of autism that everyone romanticises on social media, but in reality, they’re getting nothing but Tylenol. Get fucked, idiot!” In reaction, the White House and Department of Health and Human Services in a joint statement said they were “deadly serious” when it claimed Tylenol was linked to autism, claiming that “the worms told us, the worms are always correct. ALL HAIL THE WORMS!” At press time, the CEO of measles was seen reportedly pumping their fist in the air after learning that cases of the disease have reached record highs in the United States.
