By The Wasted Onion: President Kiwi Signs Executive Order Requiring Jeffalo To Apply Duct Tape To Ethernet Cable Keeping Wasteof Server Online

THE INTERNET—Writing his name onto the document in the presence of aids and the press inside The Crack House, wasteof President Kiwi signed an executive order Thursday requiring King Jeffalo to apply duct tape to keep the ethernet cable secured to the new wasteof server, preventing another outage. “Enough is enough, this nation has been banished to the shadow realm of the internet far too many times since it was moved to the new server. This executive order will require King Jeffalo to use some damn duct tape to keep the ethernet cable holding the very fabric of the nation together so you may all continue to post your nonsense at all hours of the day,” said President Kiwi to the press pool moments after signing the order. “If this executive order fails, we do have more options, we might order that Jeffalo has to hold the cable in at all times, but that might be torture, I haven’t asked the UN, nor do I think they’ll respond. But if all else fails we’ll order Jeffalo to just glue the damn thing in.” Eyewitness accounts indicated that in the minutes after the executive order was signed, Jeffalo was seen sprinting to the server located in his home, with onlookers describing the wasteof owner as “sweating a fuck ton.” At press time, the wasteof server had yet again went offline, this time due to Jeffalo’s sweat short circuiting the server itself.

This stories headline was written and suggested by @kiwi, thank you!