Fun fact: the reason I haven't sworn yet in my life most likely is because I bottle up my negative emotions and don't properly express them. Additionally, this is the first time I have ever externally expressed just how bad this is inside of me, including with family and friends mainly because I fear that few will understand and that I have grown accustomed to fearing self expression or negative emotions. I think I'm also afraid of losing the people I'm closest to because of the negativity I feel sometimes.
If you are feeling this way too, express it to someone. Even writing it here where only internet strangers will see it can help.
Self hate is bad
based